Policy & Law: Mutual Consent: Testimonials

Subject: A birth mother for Mutual Consent Registries

Dear Mr. Atwood,

It has come to my attention that the legislative sessions have started up again and that the open records bills will be hitting the committee floors soon enough. I know that the National Council for Adoption is committed to fighting for the privacy rights of birthparents and I am very grateful.

I am a birth mother and I have had a horrifying experience with having my information turned over to my birth son against my consent and against my knowledge. I would like to share some of my story with you.

To this day, I still remember sitting in a home for unwed mothers, totally alone and so very frightened, being told that MY records would remain sealed forever. I can also remember, even though it is many years ago, sitting in the courthouse signing the papers to relinquish my rights. The agency told me to, "get on with my life, and put this behind you as the records will be sealed forever." "No one will ever have to know" is what the agency told my parents and me. My parents insisted on the privacy as I had "brought shame on my family." This part of my life was supposed to be over, locked away, for all time.

I gave birth to that child over 30 years ago; he was placed in a home with a mother and father, which was something I could not give him. I wanted so much for him. I wanted him to have a chance at a good, stable, loving home. I was still in high school; I could not give that to him. What I could give him was life, which I did. At that time, I was promised that MY records would never be opened. I would have no identifying information on him and he would have none on me. There was a stipulation that after he became of age should there be mutual consent of both parties the records could be opened.

As I stated before, the agency told me to move on with my life, I thought I could do just that since these records were sealed and this would be left in my past. I did move on and married in my early twenties. Initially, I did not tell this man about the child I had and placed for adoption. Eventually I had to tell my husband as I became pregnant and naively I was afraid he would find out from the doctor. So one night I managed to find the courage it took to tell him and he flew into a rage. Every time he got mad at me, he would call me a whore. I spent 9 years in that living hell before I was able to get out.

I am now married to a wonderful man: Considering he is adopted, we have talked many times about his birth mother. He has never had the inclination to obtain identifying information. He has no holes, no missing links in who he is. He feels strongly and comfortably that the couple that took him into their home and hearts are his parents.

Other than my present husband, I never told anyone else about the child I had placed. After the treatment I had received by my family and ex-husband, one can certainly understand why. Approximately 18 years later, I received mail from the agency. They sent it to the address in my file and unfortunately, my brother still lived there and forwarded it to me. It was the beginning of my nightmare - my birth son wanted contact. I called the agency and said that I could not have contact at that time. They asked if I would be willing to answer some questions from him in a confidential letter through the agency. I did and tried to explain why I could not have contact and answered all of his questions. He wrote several other times requesting, no demanding a reunion, with increasing hostility.

Several years later, I received a call from my brother asking many questions only to find out that my birth son had contacted him. My birth son explained to my brother that he was looking for me and that the adoption agency had given him a complete copy of my file with some information deleted. Can you imagine how I felt at that moment? When I hung up the phone, I was hysterical trying to tell my husband what was happening. This was shortly before Christmas and my son, from my first marriage, was coming home for the holidays. Now, I was faced with something that I never should have been faced with-telling my own son against my timing.

My birth son met with my brother and they formed a relationship. My brother tried to talk me into meeting my birth son and even tried to trick me into a forced meeting; because of this, I no longer have a relationship with him. While he will always be my brother and I will forever love him, I could not have him in my life trying to undermine my wishes.

My birth son, given this information by the adoption agency, helped him find a member of my family. He is trying to hunt me down; and the truth is I can never have any real peace because now I never know whether a knock on the door or call on the phone will be his attempt at trying to intrude in my life against my repeatedly declared wishes to be left alone. I do know that he is on a mission because he feels I owe him. I also know that states opening these records will only fuel his fire based on the entitlement in his letters. My family should not have to suffer because of something I did; I chose to give life at a young and painful time in my life.

By my experience, I can say that a No Contact Form will not work: My saying no did nothing to prevent my own personal hell. I said over and over no contact but what good did it do me. It is devastating to have a virtual stranger hunt you down, never mind someone who symbolizes such painful and intimate memories. With this proposed bill, I fear finding one's birth mother would be perceived as a state sanctioned right. We see enough of it as it is on Oprah and the like. I would not want any other birth mother, or adoptee, to go through the nightmare that I continue to live through. I simply cannot communicate the impact that this has had on my family and me.

I have written so much here and I truly appreciate your time that it took to read it. Birth mothers really do count on groups like yours to speak out against the willful ripping away of privacy. There will be many broken souls if these bills pass. God bless you for your continued work in this fight. If you think anything I have said is useful, please feel free to use it. I only ask that you remove anything that you think may be too identifying.

Sincerely,

Emily (a pseudonym for a birth mother wanting privacy)