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Policy & Law: Mutual Consent: TestimonialsSeptember 29, 1999 Mr. William Pierce, President Dear Mr. Pierce: This morning I saw your debate with Caprice East on the "Today Show" regarding opening adoption records to adoptees. Thank you for being an advocate for birth parents who still want to protect their privacy and anonymity. Obviously, we cannot be advocates for ourselves. You were correct when you said one problem with making records available is the damage done to the reputation of the birth parent. While out-of-wedlock births are not stigmatized now to the extent they were when I was young, they are still not acceptable among my peers. I will be humiliated for my friends and family to learn of my past. The greatest concern, though, is the embarrassment to my husband and children. How do my children (to whom I have always preached high moral standards and abstinence) explain to their friends that their mother had an illegitimate child and gave it up for adoption? How awkward will it be for my husband to face his business associates when the information becomes common gossip? The idea of it all makes me literally sick. One area you seemed to discount in your debate is the impact of the adoptee showing up in the birth parent's life. You can be sure some adoptees will disregard the law and contact the birth parent even though the parent has refused contact. Even if charges are pressed against the adoptee for breaking the law, is the parent going to want to show up in court to testify? How can such laws be a deterrent against adoptees making contact with the birth parents? The nature of the relationship between the adoptee and the birth parent is also a concern as I vividly remember an article which ran in the "Tampa Tribune" several years ago where the reporter interviewed several adoptees and people who had been in foster care. One woman sent her birth mother who had declined contact a floral arrangement every Mother's Day and other holidays to remind her of the child she had given up. Another woman who had languished in foster care voices such strong, hateful resentment against her mother that I literally feared for her safety. I can't help but think there will be many instances where the presence of the adoptee in the birth parent's life will create insurmountable and possibly volatile problems. The state of Tennessee says there was never anything on the books which guaranteed anonymity for the birth parent. Well, perhaps it was never in writing, but it certainly was understood that the birth parent's privacy would be guarded. Along with many other young women, I went to a home for unwed mothers to have my baby. This was done to ensure my privacy. If we had known that 30 years later our records would be out in the open, many of us wouldn't have bothered to have gone to a home. While some girls were turned out by their families and were dependant on the home for support during the pregnancy, most of us went there to protect our secret and not embarrass our families. Most of the unwed mothers-to-be at the home I was in were young college students. However, there are two people there who stand out in my mind and whom I will never forget. One was slightly older than the rest of us and was the victim of a rape. Because of her religious beliefs, she opted not to have an abortion (which was illegal then except under extreme circumstances). The most pathetic case though was a young girl around 12 or 13 who was the victim of an incestuous relationship with her father. How is it going to impact these birth mothers when they hear from their children? How will it impact the adoptee to learn the horrible circumstances of their birth? The new Tennessee law states the adoptee can't contact the birth parent unless the parent agrees to the contact. In my case, if the adoptee establishes a relationship with the birth father, then everyone I know will know about it anyhow as the birth father and I grew up in the same town and have many friends in common. He has relatives who are neighbors of my relatives. There is no way this won't become common knowledge if he chooses to have contact with the child. I wish I had not filled in the father's name on the birth certificate. What I am really wishing, though, is that I had an illegal abortion as did some girls. I really thought I was doing the best thing for the baby by having it and giving it up for adoption. I was told the child would have a caring, stable home, something I couldn't provide then, and he would be raised in an atmosphere of love. Now they are telling me that child had to have growth up with traumatic identity issues. While I have never been a proponent of abortion, I am now. I hate to admit it, but I have known all of this would come back to haunt me 30 years later, I probably would have opted for an abortion. While no laws have passed in my state yet which will make available these records, I realize it is only a matter of time. The American Adoption Congress will not stop until it has unveiled all of us and every state has made public our indiscretions. Please continue to be an advocate for birth parents who wish to remain anonymous. We obviously cannot contact our legislators to present our case and must rely on someone else to be our voice. If this letter contains anything which would be useful to you in presenting our need for continued anonymity, please make use of it. Right now, you are all we have to count on, Again, thank you. Sincerely, A Birth Parent
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