Policy & Law: Mutual Consent: Testimonials

Subject: Undesired Contact Violated

December 14, 2006
In regards to: Contact Veto

Department of Children's Services
Cordell Hull Building, 8th Floor
436 Sixth Avenue North
Nashville, Tennessee 37243-1290

The facts pertaining to my case are as follows:

1. As a graduate student in Memphis, I gave birth to a daughter (current name is Jennifer) who I surrendered for adoption.

2. At that time, I requested no contact, and was "promised" this. I did not want any more hurt, embarrassment or harm to come to anyone, myself or my family, because of this event. I believed that it was better for me to let this child have a whole family in peace, and to start my life over again. My actions were in the best interest of the child, all things considered. I could not provide a good situation for her. Though much guilt and pain followed this separation, I felt I had made the only rational choice, and tried to go on with my life. My family never knew about the pregnancy. Additionally, their pain and hurt were spared.

3. I finished school, worked a couple of years, married (husband knew of this event), and eventually we had two daughters together. We have been married now for over 31 happy years.

4. Approximately ten years ago a representative of your office called my father, but I believe that they did not share much information with him. No one in my family knew any of the above had happened. My dad called me. I took the phone number from him and called your office, asking why anyone in your office would call any members of my family, knowing I desired no contact, and was told it was because I did not leave a forwarding address. The promise and my desire of no contact lead me to believe no forwarding address was necessary.

5. I was asked again whether I desired contact, response was "No". The case manager asked if I would be willing to write a non-identifying letter explaining why I placed the daughter for adoption. I did so via your representative. Also, your representative asked if I would desire contact again, and I said "No" again, and left my husband's office address as a contact address for your agency only.

6. In the meantime, legislation changed access to adoption records in Tennessee. I was TOTALLY unaware of these changes. None of your representatives contacted me regarding the need to file any additional information, when Jennifer requested her records. The letter I wrote to Jennifer, the information I gave your office was for NO CONTACT, and the reasons were clearly stated. Birthmothers like me, who do not desire contact for valid reasons, would not be able to represent themselves against such legislation. Violation of privacy which WAS promised, a verbal contract, is ignored and cannot be validated by women in my position.

7. In June or July of 2005, I received a shocking phone call from my brother regarding his news of this event, as Jennifer had retrieved her records, and found that the person named as her father was, in fact, not her father. She was trying to find out who her real father was, as her adopted father was, in her words, "a jerk." My brother and sister-in-law involved themselves in all of this as experts, against my wishes, and one of them gave her another name who was, in fact, her father. The information I put on the birth certificate, was what I believed to be true.

8. I took Jennifer's number from my brother, and called her to find out what was happening. We talked a few times at length. I tried to answer some questions, and give her some closure and comfort. I may be unusual as I feel that the woman who reared her is her "real" mother. I asked her if she needed a mother, and she said "no." I told her at the time that if she wanted to call me now and then on my cell phone, she could, if it would make her feel better. I asked her not to continue contact with any of my family, which she verbally agreed to.

9. Because of the trauma that ensued for me and my family after this contact, I was forced to tell my two daughters about Jennifer's birth and placement. It was painful, unnecessarily painful since my desire for no contact should have been respected. Now, others in the family know about this event, including my nieces, and it was highly likely that they would tell my girls. I cannot begin to describe the pain, and hurt this has caused me and all of my family. I would, for me, equate the result of the contact with my family to being skinned alive, no exaggeration. I did seriously contemplate suicide, which I also do not believe in, but I know of women who have followed through. What happened to me was not legal, not fair to me, or anyone else in my family.

10. In approximately August of 2005, I indicated to Jennifer that I did not feel that I was her mother, and that I did not desire further contact with me or any of my family, and she said via e-mail that she understood. She also stated in a prior e-mail that I was lucky that she didn't show up at my doorstep.

11. Jennifer has had ongoing contact with my older daughter, against my wishes. This has further injured the peace of my entire family.

12. Recently, I learned that when Jennifer obtained her records she signed a document promising that she would not make contact with me or my family unless it was through your agency. Jennifer violated this.

13. Jennifer, in the last month, again against my unequivocal request, wrote an eleven page handwritten letter to my mother who is 86 and in ill health, including many pictures, etc. The letter further upset my mother who was devastated by the news of this event so many years ago. Much hurt and family devastation has occurred due to all of the above. Jennifer violated the document she signed and more devastation than I can describe or enumerate for me and my family has resulted.

Can you explain to me why it is acceptable for Jennifer to create havoc for me, my life, and the lives of my family members with no repercussions? It is as though her actions have been "on a lark," just to see what will happen.

Can you explain to me why I was not contacted about Jennifer's desire to contact me and my family through the agency, although I provided adequate information for the agency to contact me via my husband's office?

I do not understand the sequence of events that have taken place, how laws can be made retroactive pertaining to the above, and how lives can be turned upside down on a whim, regardless of existing law. No protection was afforded to me, in spite of information I provided to your office and the adopted person over ten years ago.and even in 1972. While I do not believe in abortion, and did not at the time, I have to admit, after this experience, that I would have to reconsider that option if I had to relive this frightening experience.

I submit a CONTACT VETO "form" for the registry, but I consider the form a repeated, rather than INITIAL statement and NO VARIANCE for NO CONTACT with me or any of my family. Since 1972 the communication between me and your office has been crystal clear, that I desire NO CONTACT, and this submission is just another statement of that on my part.

Sincerely,

[Name removed]